I remember as a kid growing up, meeting new people was the easiest thing to do, without the fear of rejection. We would hang out all the time; playing baseball or kickball in the backyard, or playing tag in at the local park (which for me and my friends, was mostly Prosperity Heights Elementary School since we weren't allowed to go too far), meeting new people was a cinch. Even though as a group, we allowed new comers into our game. We had a lot of friends.
However, as we grew up, our relationship kept growing apart. A couple years before we moved to Battle Creek, a Walgreens was put in, which my friend's property had to be destroyed to make room. By the time we moved (in 1998), there was no more kids in the area. They moved too far away. We lost contact.
We had to start out fresh in Battle Creek in 1998 to the same problem we had when we moved: there was no other people my (or my brother's) age. It wasn't the easiest thing.
I now realize that as a young adult that meeting new people isn't really that easy. It took me almost 3 years after moving to "come out of my shell" and meet new people. Most of them were people who were my parent's age.
I bring this up because there are certain steps on relationships that need to be developed and I had this problem back then. Do I dare say, even to this day.
As I head into the dating world, there are many things that I'm doing right and doing wrong. One of the things I might be doing wrong is rushing into a relationship. It's been such a long time since the last I've been in a personal relationship with someone (that could also be a factor). One of the problems I have when it comes to meeting new people is initiating conversations with people. It's not the fact that I'm shy (I actually consider myself to be outspoken than what most people realize), but it's hard to find someone who is actually interesting enough to talk to. Although it's not always the case. Usually I'm always on the go so it's hard for me to initiate conversations with people when I have to be at my next destination in X amount of time (including the bus ride to my destination).
When I fist got Facebook a few years ago, I copied this quote and posted it on my "about me" section and it holds very true: As I get to know someone I warm up to them At first, I'm a little cold. Not cold just bland and feeling the person out. But with my friends I'm very open. People I just meet, I'm concerned with their perception of me. Maybe what's a joke to me might not be funny to them. You ever said a joke and people didn't get it? Its like, 'Okkaaaaay' But if your sitting with friends it's hilarious. Sums me up perfectly...
I guess you can say that most of my relationships with people usually don't go past the "experiment" stage. Generally a simple small talk conversation turns into a 20 minute lecture about him/herself, therefore hijacking the conversation and turning me off. However, when using technology (text messaging, instant messaging, e-mail, social networking sites, etc), it helps keep the conversation going, even though you're not seeing each-other face to face. But the big thing with using technology is you can't see the other person's nonverbal reactions, therefore taking the chance to miscommunicate with that other person.
At one point or another, in any relationship, it must intensify. Expressions towards the other person starts to show an become more common. For some people, including me, has a fear of letting the other person know how you feel. Main reasoning for this fear is rejection. Personally, I've been burned by many people after telling them how I feel. It's not a great feeling but it does tell you a lot about the relationship. If he/she says something back, that's nice, than you know it's a true relationship. However, if you get that blank stare from the receiver, than you know that there really wasn't any real relationship between the two of you. As I said, I've been burned by this in the past and I've been able to recover from it.
In the integrating stage, it's a time when individuals give up some characteristics of their old selves and develop shared identities. At this stage, it more becomes "we" instead of "I". This is were couples start sharing commitments with each other (such as spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with one's family). Common property may be designed - our "name your item here". Partners in this stage develop there own little language and their own behaviors towards each other.
During bonding, the parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists. The common signs are holding hands and holding each others back or putting their arms around each other's neck. Although most same sex bonding doesn't involve hand holding, it may involve putting their arm around your neck, singling a close friendship or a job well done.
Differentiating is the stage where the point where the "we" orientation that has developed shifts, and more "me" messages start to occur. For example, "I need a little time to myself" or "Me and the boys/girls are having a boys/girls night". This is also the stage where stress among the couple starts. Differentiating is often a part of normal relational maintenance, where partners make inevitable changes that come there way.
Circumscribing is the stage where communication between members decreases in quantity and quality. Restrictions and restraints characterize this stage. For example, this is where you are committed to the other person and not allowed to see others.
Stagnating is the stage where the excitement of the relationship is all gone. All the passion and the mysterious of the other person seemed to disappear. This stage just doesn't affect relationships, it also can be used in the work force. I'm in this stage with my job with the City of St. Paul. I feel like it's time to do something different and exciting. Something that will use my skills better.
Avoiding is the stage where parties in a relationship begin to create physical distance between each other. Everyone at one point or another in any relationship has gone through this stage. You can be mad at someone for something he/she did and you'll avoid them for X number of weeks, months, years.
Last but not least, if the relationship (whether it's personal, career partnerships, friendships), it's time to terminate the relationship. There are many ways to end a relationship: telephone or face to face termination are the two best ways to handle terminating a relationship. But there are also different ways off doing it: e-mail, text or instant message, avoidance, note on the table, legal documentation. Sometimes in relationships, you skip most steps and go from initiating & experimenting right to termination if you know it's not going to work out.
As I said in previous blogs, you need to be in a relationship with someone otherwise you'll end up lonely and depressed. No one to talk to, no one to listen to you. It's too hard to imagine what life would be like without relationships with others. Everyone has there ups and downs. You have to make sure that person is taken well cared off and not think about what you want. Relationships are two way streets.
But if they don't work out, like I have experienced numerous times before, you have no choice but to terminate the relationship. There are times that it won't effect you. There are times where it will effect you. But the easiest thing to remember that each and everyone of us will get through it, one way or another.
One of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm down is "Something to Believe In" by Poison. Each and everyone one of us has something to believe in. You have to find what you believe in and make it a reality somehow. Here is the YouTube video to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe71zCA5xFQ
Remember what Red Green says "We're all in this together".
Hah! I love Red Green! The things you can do with duct tape!
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