Conflict: Everyone Has to Deal With It

It is something that every relationship has to deal with. Conflict. There are many synonyms to describe conflict: Battle, brawl, clash, competition, discord, disharmony, duel, fight, strife, struggle, trouble, and violence. We use different types of metaphors to decribe conflict: "We often talk about conflict as a type of war", "conflicts are explosive", conflict sometimes seems "like a kinf of trial, in which one party accuses another", "Language that suggests that conflict is a mess", and using metaphors "of a game implies that one side has to defeat the other".

When it comes to handling conflict, it depends on the situation and the person who I'm talking to.

Avoiding (a lose-lose situation): Defined as "when people nonasseretively ignore or stay away from conflict. It can be physical or conversational." I use this almost immediately after any type of arguing. It helps me and the other person cool down a bit before we actually talk about it. It's better to avoid the person for a few days than to talk about it with a hot head, otherwise you may do or say something that you'll regret later.


Accommodating (a lose-win situation): Defined as "when you allow others to have their way rather than asserting your own point of view. I try my hardest not to do this type of conflict, otherwise I'm letting the other person know that I will do whatever he/she wants to do, even though I already made plans for that particular day/time.

Competing (a win-lose or sometimes degenerating to lose-lose situation): Defined as "a win-lose approach to conflict involves high concern for self and low concern of others. In my opinion, this is one of the worst ways to create a conflict. It's telling you that you are better than another person. Back when I was a child, I came across this quite often. When I was playing an organized pick up game of baseball or kickball, there was always one team that always played like they were the king of the world. They had to play the way they wanted to play. Whenever that team lost, they acted like a bunch of idiots. I guess the same can be said if you win every game and acted like a sore winner. That's what takes the fun out of games. I was always taught (when playing sports for an organized recreation center team) to win and lose with grace.

Compromising (a partial lose-lose situation): Defined as "given both people at least half of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals. I believe that every relationship, no matter who it is, has done something like this. In my mind this is a "win some, lose some situation."

Collaborating ( a win-win situation): Defined as a "showing a high degree of concern for both themselves and others. This is one of the best ways to solve a conflict. Instead of focusing on "me", you're focusing on "we". In this situation, you may want to continue what you and your partner are already doing, without having to make any changes.

How do you know what style to use? Well, it depends on these four factors:

The Relationship: How important is the relationship your having with the other person?

The Situation: How big or small is the issue? Is it worth fighting for?

The Other Person: You have to get a sense on how the other person is feeling. You want to make sure you are collaborating with that particular person.

Your Goals: What are your goals to dissolve the conflict? Will you have to accomidate the person? Or will you have to compromise?