Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

At one point in all our lives, we have been in a toxic relationship; whether you were the one being toxic or the other person was toxic to you. What does it mean to be in a toxic relationship? Well there are several definitions for “toxic relationship”. My definition of toxic relationship is when someone(s) or something that is interfering with the path to a happy, fulfillment life. Toxic relationships happen in every type of relationships: boyfriend/girlfriend, families, or friends.

Toxic people tend to hold you back from your aspirations, dreams, and also tend to be negative and talk down to you. Basically, toxic people bring good people down. All they do is use him/her for his/her enjoyment and fulfillment. More than often, they will keep doing it over and over. They use people. They manipulate people to believe that it’s right to do something when it feels wrong in your heart. You almost need a smack in the head with a 2x4 to wake up and realize what this person is doing.

One of the best things about taking this Interpersonal Communications class is how much I learned about the difference between verbal and nonverbal communication. I've actually started to pay more attention to people's body language, not just the verbal communication. It's nice to know the meaning's behind the nonverbal communication and try to pinpoint what they're truly saying.

Anyways, I’ve been in several toxic relationships with people. Not physically but verbally. It hasn’t happened much with family but it happens more with “friends” and coworkers. For example, I have a problem with one of my coworkers. He has been known to get whatever he wants when it comes to the workplace, and he's not even a supervisor or an immediate supervisor. Every time something goes wrong, no matter how big or small, or if he needs something, no matter the expense, he runs to the SAC (Service Area Coordinator) always gets it. And every time this happens, somehow I get screwed. By the way, I should mention that this people are friends. They even hang out together outside the workplace.

The City of St. Paul is having financial issues. We are losing LGA money from the State of Minnesota. Therefore, we are cutting back on staff hours across the board. Since the beginning of the year, I have lost 18 hours (from 30 hours in January). This last week, this toxic person actually had the guts to go to the SAC and tell her that “Why is Kevin working more than me? I should be working more than anyone” (other than a full time employee, most are only part time). This is a case where he is only thinking of himself. (I should mention I’m talking about a guy who doesn’t even care about this job.) So what happens? The SAC went ahead and gave him more hours and cut my hours and another coworker’s hours. I went into depression because not only did I get my hours cut even more, but someone who I thought was a friend rated me out to a supervisor. I’m thankful that I didn’t get in trouble because of this. I confronted him about it a few days later. Long story short, it ended with me being called “pathetic,” therefore ending our so called “friendship”. After the weekend ended, he wanted to be friends with me again. I refused to even look at him (or talk), especially after he called me pathetic.

I can go all day about how this person is toxic but then I’ll be writing for the next 2 weeks. Who has the time to read all that? I suppose all there is to say is “budget cuts really bring the best to people.”

I didn’t let it affect my weekend though. I still went out Saturday night like nothing happened. It was nice to go out and have a great time with friends since I had the bad week at work.

As I’m typing this blog, there’s one quote that I can think of: “People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?...It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll, we’ll get our justice....Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.” – Rodney King after the 1992 riots in Los Angeles.

Nonverbal Experiment

For our second project in the class (which was to break a nonverbal norm), I decieded that I would stand close to people in a relativlty empty elevator.

Here is what I learned by doing this experiment:

Introduction:
Nonverbal communication. It is the only type of communication that people speak at all times of the day. Nonverbal communication is defined as “the way we express ourselves, not only by what we say but rather by what we do.” There are different ways we communication nonverbally: Body movement (body orientation, gestures, face and eyes), voice, touch, appearance (physical attractiveness, & clothing), physical space (distance & territoriality), physical environment and time all contribute to nonverbal communication. For this experiment, I will focus more on physical space and how people feel when you invade their “personal bubble”. There are four different kinds of “bubbles” that people are accustomed to: Intimate distance (reserved for people who are emotionally close to us and mostly in private areas), personal distance (ranges from 18 inches for it’s closest point and 4 feet at its farthest), social distance (ranges from 4 to about 12 feet, for business its 4 to 7 feet), and public distance (ranges 25 feet and beyond). Since this experiment took place in an elevator, it was personal space that I mostly violated.

Experiment:
For this experiment, I spent some time at two places, one in a not so busy area and one in a busier area. I ended up going to the Mall of America in Bloomington (on a Wednesday afternoon) and the 5th Street Garage Transit Center in Downtown Minneapolis (on a Saturday evening). During this experiment, I was looking for the following: facial reactions, sudden body movements, and getting a sense of nervousness.


Mall of America - Bloomington
To receive the best results I needed to find a time where the popular spot would not be so busy. I narrowed the timing down and found that the best time was on a weekday in the early part of the afternoon. I found that there isn’t a lot of activity at that time and not a lot of families are there.
I started on the forth floor of the complex, where the new comedy club is being put in and near Cantina’s #1 (or in another words, the elevator closest to the rotunda). I was there on one afternoon, “shopping” for myself, when I went into the elevator. (Since this was a public place with security, I made sure that I wasn’t trying this on high schoolers). I was, at the time, wearing normal street clothes (jeans, sweatshirt, and a winter jacket since it was cold out from the previous evening’s snow storm) and sunglasses (yes I had them on), looking like a normal person. I noticed there were two girls, who looked to be in their 20s, getting on the elevator from the east parking ramp. As soon as the elevator started to move, that is when I approached them. We all got on the elevator without them noticing me. As soon as the elevator started to move, that is when the fun began.
The first thing I noticed after I stepped towards them was they got very uncomfortable right away. The girls were having a conversation about something and stopped right away, focusing their attention to me. They went from very calm to being nervous in a flash of a second, not to mention a dirty look. I looked at them and said “Hi. How are you girls this afternoon?” One said fine and the other didn’t answer.
Personally, I thought being someone who is near these girls’ age group; they would have reacted differently, such as being more open and understanding. My thinking after they got off the elevator a couple floors down and during my train ride to work, they must of thought that I was coming on to them, looking for a date or possibly a sexual encounter with them. They might have been curious to what I was doing in the first place. I’m sure that they had an interesting conversation about it after we went our separate ways.

5th Street Garage Transit Center – Minneapolis
A few days, later I tried the same thing but in a different location on a different day but I had a different approach. To get the best results, on a recent Saturday evening, I traveled to the 5th Street Garage Transit Center in Downtown Minneapolis, near the location of the new Target Field. I figured this would be a perfect evening to try this experiment. I was right; the weather was just perfect. Sunny skies, temperatures in the 50s, couldn’t ask for better clubbing weather. Plus it was Spring Break for most students so that helped big time.
This experiment I had to do later in the evening, between 9 and 10:00 is peak time since that is when the party is just getting started. Let me first describe what I wore to this event: casual clothes (jeans, button down shirt), casual shoes, my leather jacket and some cologne I stole from my father.
After some time of sitting & waiting, I noticed a group of girls (a small group consisting of 3 girls) heading towards the elevator from the skyway system to street level. My best guess is they were coming from dinner, or a Timberwolves game, since the clubs are not connected by the skyway system. They went in first, and then I went in afterwards. I immediately start to get closer to them. However, without moving too much closer than my original position, the girls started to look and smile at me. They asked me what type of cologne I was wearing, where I was going, who I was meeting up with, est. We made small talk through out the ride and walked together towards the club they were heading to. After we got our IDs checked and had a drink, I told them I had to go, much to their dismay. I didn’t tell either group that this was just an experiment.

Conclusion
During the course of Spring Break, I thought and thought more about nonverbal communication and how it affects others. It mainly depends in the situation that you’re in during the current time. When going out shopping, that’s what your mind is set to: hanging out with your friends and having a fun time without the “creepiness” of other people. When going out for the evening, this is mainly expected: going out, looking your best and meeting new people, even if that wasn’t your main purpose for going out.
It doesn’t matter who it is, what background you have, whether you’re male or female, white or black, or whatever, the point is to make sure when you are around others, you got to make sure he/she is comfortable around you. Each and every one of us has insecurities in our lives. One of them (and possibly the biggest one) is when people invade our personal turf. How you define “personal turf” is up to you. As long as you are sending the right signals to people, even though you are not verbally communicating, anyone can pick up on that, and will determine whether or not you’ll be able to have the relationship with people you rightfully deserve.

Would You Leave Your Child in a Car by His/Her Self?

I just want to start out by saying that I am not a parent but as a former child care instructor (yes I was a former child care instructor), it baffles me why parents would leave a young child in a car, even if it's for 30 seconds.

I was watching Good Question on WCCO Channel 4 last week and it's amazing that parents leave their child in a car. I'm not sure if it's bad parenting or their child is invisible to others but leaving a child in a car, even for a few seconds seems like a bad idea. Until he/she turns 18, you (the parent) are responsible for that child.

When I was working for the S'more Fun program at a recreation center in St. Paul, I would walk from the street into the parking lot and I would see a young child in there, while their parent's are dropping their 5 year old into the program. Seeing that the Como area is a "richy" neighborhood and "nothing bad happens", I can see where you might be tempted to leave your infant behind, but come on. You never know what's going to happen. My thoughts seeing that young child are "What is this parent(s) smoking" or "I wonder if the door is unlocked".

While I would not do anything (besides a speeding ticket, I have a clean criminal record), someone else would not be thinking what I'm thinking. The other person might be thinking "All right. A young child. Jackpot." You'll be making a kidnapper's day. It only takes a few seconds for someone to open or break into your vehicle. It does not matter how close your are or how short your stop will be. You are putting your child in serious danger.

As I said, I'm not a parent and not trying to “preach to the choir” by no means, but use a little common sense. I wouldn't want my young child(ren) sitting in a vehicle with no one in there, even if the doors are locked. Think twice before running into the store to grab that one item and think to yourself: "Is it worth the risk to put my child(ren) in danger for one item?" The thought of leaving my child(ren) in a vehicle while running that "one little errand" and something happens makes me want to cringe.

I will say, however, as a child care instructor, that children are ONE of the most important relationships that we'll ever have in our lifetime. I still remember like its yesterday that I was playing dodgeball, trench and basketball in the gym and playing tag on the play equipment outside. It made me feel like a kid again. Truth be told, I'm looking forward to the day I can do that stuff with my own kids.

Route 94

When I'm in a public place, like riding the bus, I make sure that I am aware of my surroundings. But then again, even if you're on foot, you need to be aware of your surroundings. You never know what could happen.

I bring this important point up because someone really wasn't paying attention and whacked someone in the face - me.

A group of people, I would say, in high school got on the Route 94 bus (an express bus from Downtown Minneapolis to Downtown St. Paul via Interstate 94) on Nicollet Mall & 6th Street. Just that group of people (I would say at least 20 of them) filled the bus, mostly with their belongings (big bags such as suitcases). I would have given up my seat for them (where the wheelchairs go) but I was carrying a suitcase myself so it wasn't logical to give up my seat for someone who has the exact same suitcase as me.

Anyways, I was heading to work at the time. I wasn't planning on getting off in Downtown St. Paul since I work near Snelling Avenue (there's a stop on Concordia Street & Snelling Avenue). As I stood up, the guy who was sitting in front of me got up to put on his backpack. In the process, we whacked me in the face. He didn't even acknowledge he hit me, even with his friends screaming "you hit him, you hit him." No apology was given. I found out later that he was getting off in downtown, not Concordia & Snelling.

Worst part was, he was blocking the isle (after he hit me), so I couldn't get off the bus. As I actually got to the front, the bus pulled out of the stop and went back on the freeway. I had to get off about 6 miles later in Downtown St. Paul.

To say the least, I wasn't a happy camper. I was showing my nonverbal communication like 4th of July fireworks. I wasn't late to work but it was a huge inconvenience for me to backtrack. I would have gotten there much quicker if I got off midway through the route. We bus people need to find the easiest route to take to save time.

I don't understand why people act they way they do. Are people these days really consumed with themselves? While I'm not the perfect person and have my "brain farts" every once in a while, why do people do this consistently? I'm able to recognize when I just made a mistake (such as not holding the door for the person behind me) How do you not notice when you hit someone in the face with your backpack? Not to mention standing up, blocking the isle, and preventing the person who needs to get off.

The one thing that DID cheer me up: The sun was shining. Oh, how I missed that. Too bad there's snow in the forecast.

Choices Choices Choices

One of the things I'm thankful for by taking this class is the opportunity to blog. It's one of the biggest things to hit the Internet in the technology age. Plus, as a journalism major, it's helped me gain valuable writing skills. I should say that it's helped me become a better writer than previously.

As I have mentioned many times before, I do some of my best thinking while I'm riding the bus. One of the biggest things I've been thinking about is the pressure of trying to figure out what I want to do after I'm done with Inver Hills. I graduate at the end of fall semester 2009. Don't worry, I'm going to complete a 4 year degree.

One of the biggest things I've been pressured on is choosing the right school. I have it pinned down to the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities (this will be my second time around with that school) and Metropolitan State University. There are several factors I've been thinking about. Location, tuition/fee costs, how big the school is (what I mean by this is how it compares to other schools). Campus size isn't a big deal to me (well it is but it doesn't affect me as much now that I have the "college experience").

Costs

One of the biggest factors in this is cost. The University of Minnesota is way much more expensive than Metro State. And I won't even live on campus. With the economy that way it is, who knows how much it will cost me by the time I'm finished with IHCC, whether I decied to go to Metro or the U.

Location

I live relatively close to Metro State's Downtown location. Less than 5 minutes from where I live in St. Paul's Battle Creek area. The only problem: I would have to travel to all three campuses for classes. The other two is located in Energy Park (on Energy Park Drive in St. Paul) and Downtown Minneapolis (connected with Minneapolis Community & Technical College). Even though bus service is good for the three sites, the thought of having to travel an hour and half for a 2 hour class isn't appealing to me.

The University has much better bus service (running every 1-15 minutes), and classes only will be on the U's East Bank Campus, if not in one building. Which is very good since I'm a bus commuter.

I work in St. Paul's Macalester Groveland Area. Both schools have good bus service. If I went to Metro, it would only be one bus, no transfers. The U would require 1 or 2 transfers, depending on the time of day.

Comparing Schools

As we all know, the University of Minnesota is one of the biggest schools in the nation. It is part of the Big 10 network (at least when it comes to sports). Metropolitan State is not a real big school, but it's known for its programs, mainly for adults who already have a full time job and looking to advance, whether it's withen the company or at another place of employment. Personally for me, schedules don't really matter. I try to avoid night classes (I function better in the morning, afternoon or online) but at Metro, I might have a difficult time doing that.

Result

Who knows? At this point I may and wait to see what the economy does, whether it gets better or worse. Then hopefully, I'll be able to make my decision. Plus I have until the end of fall semester to make a final decision.

Ongoing Frustrations

I know that we are supposed to use this blog as a tool for class related material but I just can't help the frustration of what is going on in the City of St. Paul.

In a Pioneer Press article on 3/13/2009 (http://tinyurl.com/cy24rx) is what irritates me about working for the government. With the budget the way it is, we should be looking for ways to SAVE money instead of WASTING it. In the article, Mayor Chris Coleman wants t0 build a miniature Xcel Energy Center across the street from the current one. Which is fine, if your a year round hockey person.

But if you're a city employee (or resident for that matter), it upsets you. My only question is: Why are we spending money on things we don't need (hockey arenas) and cutting services we actually need (police, fire, parks, libraries, etc)? To me, it's a waste of money. We don't need a new hockey arena in a budget crisis. Plus the city is still in debt (32.75 million from the state). How can you build a rink when, not only facing a cut for local government aid, and you owe almost $33 million to the state? It's stupid to even think of building a rink. It's the exact equivalent to paying your tuition bill. If you have an outstanding balance on your account, you're blocked from registering for classes until the bill is payed up. It's common sense really. Oy.

Next time you're in the area, visit Palace Recreation Center. Last year they received a grant to build a brand new refrigerated rink. But, in October, they were able to pour concrete to the shape of a hockey rink. Guess what happened afterwards: The City ran out of money to fund it. Now, instead of horseshoe pits (which the community wanted), sits a concrete poured shape of a hockey rink oval. The whole thing sits on the corner of Jefferson Avenue and View Street. Notice I said corner. How about driving through the intersection and a puck flies through one of your windows? Here's the kicker about the whole thing: The community didn't even want the hockey rink. The head honchos in Downtown St. Paul already approved the idea. So the neighborhood wasn't too happy to hear about that.

Just remember: If you have no idea what to spend your money on, just do what Chris Coleman does: Build hockey rinks.

Come to think of it, I guess this DOES have sometime to do with class, since I have pent up frustrations about the City of St. Paul.

Relationship Building and Maintenance

As I have stated in previous blogs, each and everyone of us needs human contact of some-sort. The world would be a very lonely place if we didn't have the comfort of other people. As I am a young adult learning about relationships, both personal and intimate, it's a harder process than I originally thought.

I remember as a kid growing up, meeting new people was the easiest thing to do, without the fear of rejection. We would hang out all the time; playing baseball or kickball in the backyard, or playing tag in at the local park (which for me and my friends, was mostly Prosperity Heights Elementary School since we weren't allowed to go too far), meeting new people was a cinch. Even though as a group, we allowed new comers into our game. We had a lot of friends.

However, as we grew up, our relationship kept growing apart. A couple years before we moved to Battle Creek, a Walgreens was put in, which my friend's property had to be destroyed to make room. By the time we moved (in 1998), there was no more kids in the area. They moved too far away. We lost contact.

We had to start out fresh in Battle Creek in 1998 to the same problem we had when we moved: there was no other people my (or my brother's) age. It wasn't the easiest thing.

I now realize that as a young adult that meeting new people isn't really that easy. It took me almost 3 years after moving to "come out of my shell" and meet new people. Most of them were people who were my parent's age.

I bring this up because there are certain steps on relationships that need to be developed and I had this problem back then. Do I dare say, even to this day.

As I head into the dating world, there are many things that I'm doing right and doing wrong. One of the things I might be doing wrong is rushing into a relationship. It's been such a long time since the last I've been in a personal relationship with someone (that could also be a factor). One of the problems I have when it comes to meeting new people is initiating conversations with people. It's not the fact that I'm shy (I actually consider myself to be outspoken than what most people realize), but it's hard to find someone who is actually interesting enough to talk to. Although it's not always the case. Usually I'm always on the go so it's hard for me to initiate conversations with people when I have to be at my next destination in X amount of time (including the bus ride to my destination).

When I fist got Facebook a few years ago, I copied this quote and posted it on my "about me" section and it holds very true: As I get to know someone I warm up to them At first, I'm a little cold. Not cold just bland and feeling the person out. But with my friends I'm very open. People I just meet, I'm concerned with their perception of me. Maybe what's a joke to me might not be funny to them. You ever said a joke and people didn't get it? Its like, 'Okkaaaaay' But if your sitting with friends it's hilarious. Sums me up perfectly...

I guess you can say that most of my relationships with people usually don't go past the "experiment" stage. Generally a simple small talk conversation turns into a 20 minute lecture about him/herself, therefore hijacking the conversation and turning me off. However, when using technology (text messaging, instant messaging, e-mail, social networking sites, etc), it helps keep the conversation going, even though you're not seeing each-other face to face. But the big thing with using technology is you can't see the other person's nonverbal reactions, therefore taking the chance to miscommunicate with that other person.

At one point or another, in any relationship, it must intensify. Expressions towards the other person starts to show an become more common. For some people, including me, has a fear of letting the other person know how you feel. Main reasoning for this fear is rejection. Personally, I've been burned by many people after telling them how I feel. It's not a great feeling but it does tell you a lot about the relationship. If he/she says something back, that's nice, than you know it's a true relationship. However, if you get that blank stare from the receiver, than you know that there really wasn't any real relationship between the two of you. As I said, I've been burned by this in the past and I've been able to recover from it.

In the integrating stage, it's a time when individuals give up some characteristics of their old selves and develop shared identities. At this stage, it more becomes "we" instead of "I". This is were couples start sharing commitments with each other (such as spending Thanksgiving or Christmas with one's family). Common property may be designed - our "name your item here". Partners in this stage develop there own little language and their own behaviors towards each other.

During bonding, the parties make symbolic public gestures to show the world that their relationship exists. The common signs are holding hands and holding each others back or putting their arms around each other's neck. Although most same sex bonding doesn't involve hand holding, it may involve putting their arm around your neck, singling a close friendship or a job well done.

Differentiating is the stage where the point where the "we" orientation that has developed shifts, and more "me" messages start to occur. For example, "I need a little time to myself" or "Me and the boys/girls are having a boys/girls night". This is also the stage where stress among the couple starts. Differentiating is often a part of normal relational maintenance, where partners make inevitable changes that come there way.

Circumscribing is the stage where communication between members decreases in quantity and quality. Restrictions and restraints characterize this stage. For example, this is where you are committed to the other person and not allowed to see others.

Stagnating is the stage where the excitement of the relationship is all gone. All the passion and the mysterious of the other person seemed to disappear. This stage just doesn't affect relationships, it also can be used in the work force. I'm in this stage with my job with the City of St. Paul. I feel like it's time to do something different and exciting. Something that will use my skills better.

Avoiding is the stage where parties in a relationship begin to create physical distance between each other. Everyone at one point or another in any relationship has gone through this stage. You can be mad at someone for something he/she did and you'll avoid them for X number of weeks, months, years.

Last but not least, if the relationship (whether it's personal, career partnerships, friendships), it's time to terminate the relationship. There are many ways to end a relationship: telephone or face to face termination are the two best ways to handle terminating a relationship. But there are also different ways off doing it: e-mail, text or instant message, avoidance, note on the table, legal documentation. Sometimes in relationships, you skip most steps and go from initiating & experimenting right to termination if you know it's not going to work out.

As I said in previous blogs, you need to be in a relationship with someone otherwise you'll end up lonely and depressed. No one to talk to, no one to listen to you. It's too hard to imagine what life would be like without relationships with others. Everyone has there ups and downs. You have to make sure that person is taken well cared off and not think about what you want. Relationships are two way streets.

But if they don't work out, like I have experienced numerous times before, you have no choice but to terminate the relationship. There are times that it won't effect you. There are times where it will effect you. But the easiest thing to remember that each and everyone of us will get through it, one way or another.

One of my favorite songs to listen to when I'm down is "Something to Believe In" by Poison. Each and everyone one of us has something to believe in. You have to find what you believe in and make it a reality somehow. Here is the YouTube video to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe71zCA5xFQ

Remember what Red Green says "We're all in this together".