Defensiveness

In some way shape or form, each and every one of us has defended ourselves. Many people in my life has always told me that I defend myself too much. Okay, I'll admit this. But I'm trying my best to stop defending myself.

When I get defensive with people, I use different types of defensiveness, depending on the situation and the person who I'm talking to.

Attacking the critic: I've been guilty of this on many occasions. It's not so much verbal aggression that I use, its more sarcasm that I use. I have always been known as a witty person and a quick thinker and I use this skill to my advantage, even if I'm defending myself. Sometimes it keeps the person quiet or on occasion, makes the situation worse. I'm still trying to figure out when it's appropriate to use sarcasm in situations.

Rationalization: I use this when I'm upset at someone, for whatever the reason. When I'm upset, I let my emotions get the best of me and make up excuses not to face that particular person. It's something that I'm trying my best not to use. For example, I've gotten my hours cut drastically in the last 4 months (I went from 30 hours in January to 12 in April), and I was blaming my boss for what has happened. Last week, he needed to take the day off and needed to change the schedule a bit. He wanted me to work at night. But I made up the excuse that I had something going on that evening, when in truth, I really had nothing planned. I let my feelings get the best of me. I realize that it wasn't my boss' fault that he cut my hours - the upper management told him to do so. So instead of being upset at someone who told him to cut, I took it out on someone who couldn't control the situation. After I thought about it the next day, I probably shouldn't reacted the way I did.

Regression: I think almost everybody has been guilty of doing something like this. We make up excuses not to not to form a relationship with someone. I've personally have done this. Why I did this, I guess it has something to do with the fact that it was hard to admit that she wasn't compatible with me.

Physical Avoidance: When I get mad at someone, I want nothing to do with that person. I refuse to talk to that person, and be in the same room as that person. It's hard to avoid these situations, especially if it's a coworker or spouse/family member.

Displacement: With the economy the way it is, and people facing layoffs, it's easy to blame another person for what is happening. Obviously, this is something that no one controls. We take our frustrations out on others instead of the person we should be facing.

Each day that does on, I try my best NOT to defend myself, unless the situation warrants that I have to. There are times that you must defend yourself in certain citations. While I do realize the fact that any type of defensivness is bad, sometimes we have to do it, to protect ourselves. Even though I always look out for others, we also must look out for number 1: Ourselves.

Intimacy & Online Relationships

My definition intimacy is a familiar and very close connection with another person. It's knowing what the person is going to say before they say it. It's touch, smell, taste, est.


One of the hardest things one person can do is go without intimacy. In the song "One" by Three Dog Night (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTO4hvLEH4Q), it perfectly describes being alone: One can be the loneliest number.

And yes it can be. There are times that I go through my day wishing I had that "special someone" along my side. With careers and school in the way, sometimes it isn't possible. For some, it is possible. It all depends on the type of schedule you have.

In relationships, it is very important to have. As I mentioned above, it brings a close connection, just not with your boyfriend/girlfriend, but you can have a intimate relationship with your friends and family. It ranges from handholding, sitting very close while watching TV, maybe the occasional hug (sorry for the sappiness!!!). Without a connection of another human being, it's rather tough to get through life.

While I think that it is possible to have an online relationship, but that’s all it is: An online relationship. While you feel the closeness of the other person, you don’t know what the other person’s facial expression is. For example, it is really easy to say "I Love You" online, compared to saying it face to face, where you might be quite nervous. When saying it online, you don't know whether or not he/she means it. Saying it face to face means way more than saying it online. That's one of the problems with social networking sites, or even dating sites or even taking classes online: You don't know how that person truly feels because of that lack of facial expressions. Plus an online relationship is basically the same as a long distance relationship, no matter the distance.

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

At one point in all our lives, we have been in a toxic relationship; whether you were the one being toxic or the other person was toxic to you. What does it mean to be in a toxic relationship? Well there are several definitions for “toxic relationship”. My definition of toxic relationship is when someone(s) or something that is interfering with the path to a happy, fulfillment life. Toxic relationships happen in every type of relationships: boyfriend/girlfriend, families, or friends.

Toxic people tend to hold you back from your aspirations, dreams, and also tend to be negative and talk down to you. Basically, toxic people bring good people down. All they do is use him/her for his/her enjoyment and fulfillment. More than often, they will keep doing it over and over. They use people. They manipulate people to believe that it’s right to do something when it feels wrong in your heart. You almost need a smack in the head with a 2x4 to wake up and realize what this person is doing.

One of the best things about taking this Interpersonal Communications class is how much I learned about the difference between verbal and nonverbal communication. I've actually started to pay more attention to people's body language, not just the verbal communication. It's nice to know the meaning's behind the nonverbal communication and try to pinpoint what they're truly saying.

Anyways, I’ve been in several toxic relationships with people. Not physically but verbally. It hasn’t happened much with family but it happens more with “friends” and coworkers. For example, I have a problem with one of my coworkers. He has been known to get whatever he wants when it comes to the workplace, and he's not even a supervisor or an immediate supervisor. Every time something goes wrong, no matter how big or small, or if he needs something, no matter the expense, he runs to the SAC (Service Area Coordinator) always gets it. And every time this happens, somehow I get screwed. By the way, I should mention that this people are friends. They even hang out together outside the workplace.

The City of St. Paul is having financial issues. We are losing LGA money from the State of Minnesota. Therefore, we are cutting back on staff hours across the board. Since the beginning of the year, I have lost 18 hours (from 30 hours in January). This last week, this toxic person actually had the guts to go to the SAC and tell her that “Why is Kevin working more than me? I should be working more than anyone” (other than a full time employee, most are only part time). This is a case where he is only thinking of himself. (I should mention I’m talking about a guy who doesn’t even care about this job.) So what happens? The SAC went ahead and gave him more hours and cut my hours and another coworker’s hours. I went into depression because not only did I get my hours cut even more, but someone who I thought was a friend rated me out to a supervisor. I’m thankful that I didn’t get in trouble because of this. I confronted him about it a few days later. Long story short, it ended with me being called “pathetic,” therefore ending our so called “friendship”. After the weekend ended, he wanted to be friends with me again. I refused to even look at him (or talk), especially after he called me pathetic.

I can go all day about how this person is toxic but then I’ll be writing for the next 2 weeks. Who has the time to read all that? I suppose all there is to say is “budget cuts really bring the best to people.”

I didn’t let it affect my weekend though. I still went out Saturday night like nothing happened. It was nice to go out and have a great time with friends since I had the bad week at work.

As I’m typing this blog, there’s one quote that I can think of: “People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids?...It’s just not right. It’s not right. It’s not, it’s not going to change anything. We’ll, we’ll get our justice....Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to work it out.” – Rodney King after the 1992 riots in Los Angeles.

Nonverbal Experiment

For our second project in the class (which was to break a nonverbal norm), I decieded that I would stand close to people in a relativlty empty elevator.

Here is what I learned by doing this experiment:

Introduction:
Nonverbal communication. It is the only type of communication that people speak at all times of the day. Nonverbal communication is defined as “the way we express ourselves, not only by what we say but rather by what we do.” There are different ways we communication nonverbally: Body movement (body orientation, gestures, face and eyes), voice, touch, appearance (physical attractiveness, & clothing), physical space (distance & territoriality), physical environment and time all contribute to nonverbal communication. For this experiment, I will focus more on physical space and how people feel when you invade their “personal bubble”. There are four different kinds of “bubbles” that people are accustomed to: Intimate distance (reserved for people who are emotionally close to us and mostly in private areas), personal distance (ranges from 18 inches for it’s closest point and 4 feet at its farthest), social distance (ranges from 4 to about 12 feet, for business its 4 to 7 feet), and public distance (ranges 25 feet and beyond). Since this experiment took place in an elevator, it was personal space that I mostly violated.

Experiment:
For this experiment, I spent some time at two places, one in a not so busy area and one in a busier area. I ended up going to the Mall of America in Bloomington (on a Wednesday afternoon) and the 5th Street Garage Transit Center in Downtown Minneapolis (on a Saturday evening). During this experiment, I was looking for the following: facial reactions, sudden body movements, and getting a sense of nervousness.


Mall of America - Bloomington
To receive the best results I needed to find a time where the popular spot would not be so busy. I narrowed the timing down and found that the best time was on a weekday in the early part of the afternoon. I found that there isn’t a lot of activity at that time and not a lot of families are there.
I started on the forth floor of the complex, where the new comedy club is being put in and near Cantina’s #1 (or in another words, the elevator closest to the rotunda). I was there on one afternoon, “shopping” for myself, when I went into the elevator. (Since this was a public place with security, I made sure that I wasn’t trying this on high schoolers). I was, at the time, wearing normal street clothes (jeans, sweatshirt, and a winter jacket since it was cold out from the previous evening’s snow storm) and sunglasses (yes I had them on), looking like a normal person. I noticed there were two girls, who looked to be in their 20s, getting on the elevator from the east parking ramp. As soon as the elevator started to move, that is when I approached them. We all got on the elevator without them noticing me. As soon as the elevator started to move, that is when the fun began.
The first thing I noticed after I stepped towards them was they got very uncomfortable right away. The girls were having a conversation about something and stopped right away, focusing their attention to me. They went from very calm to being nervous in a flash of a second, not to mention a dirty look. I looked at them and said “Hi. How are you girls this afternoon?” One said fine and the other didn’t answer.
Personally, I thought being someone who is near these girls’ age group; they would have reacted differently, such as being more open and understanding. My thinking after they got off the elevator a couple floors down and during my train ride to work, they must of thought that I was coming on to them, looking for a date or possibly a sexual encounter with them. They might have been curious to what I was doing in the first place. I’m sure that they had an interesting conversation about it after we went our separate ways.

5th Street Garage Transit Center – Minneapolis
A few days, later I tried the same thing but in a different location on a different day but I had a different approach. To get the best results, on a recent Saturday evening, I traveled to the 5th Street Garage Transit Center in Downtown Minneapolis, near the location of the new Target Field. I figured this would be a perfect evening to try this experiment. I was right; the weather was just perfect. Sunny skies, temperatures in the 50s, couldn’t ask for better clubbing weather. Plus it was Spring Break for most students so that helped big time.
This experiment I had to do later in the evening, between 9 and 10:00 is peak time since that is when the party is just getting started. Let me first describe what I wore to this event: casual clothes (jeans, button down shirt), casual shoes, my leather jacket and some cologne I stole from my father.
After some time of sitting & waiting, I noticed a group of girls (a small group consisting of 3 girls) heading towards the elevator from the skyway system to street level. My best guess is they were coming from dinner, or a Timberwolves game, since the clubs are not connected by the skyway system. They went in first, and then I went in afterwards. I immediately start to get closer to them. However, without moving too much closer than my original position, the girls started to look and smile at me. They asked me what type of cologne I was wearing, where I was going, who I was meeting up with, est. We made small talk through out the ride and walked together towards the club they were heading to. After we got our IDs checked and had a drink, I told them I had to go, much to their dismay. I didn’t tell either group that this was just an experiment.

Conclusion
During the course of Spring Break, I thought and thought more about nonverbal communication and how it affects others. It mainly depends in the situation that you’re in during the current time. When going out shopping, that’s what your mind is set to: hanging out with your friends and having a fun time without the “creepiness” of other people. When going out for the evening, this is mainly expected: going out, looking your best and meeting new people, even if that wasn’t your main purpose for going out.
It doesn’t matter who it is, what background you have, whether you’re male or female, white or black, or whatever, the point is to make sure when you are around others, you got to make sure he/she is comfortable around you. Each and every one of us has insecurities in our lives. One of them (and possibly the biggest one) is when people invade our personal turf. How you define “personal turf” is up to you. As long as you are sending the right signals to people, even though you are not verbally communicating, anyone can pick up on that, and will determine whether or not you’ll be able to have the relationship with people you rightfully deserve.

Would You Leave Your Child in a Car by His/Her Self?

I just want to start out by saying that I am not a parent but as a former child care instructor (yes I was a former child care instructor), it baffles me why parents would leave a young child in a car, even if it's for 30 seconds.

I was watching Good Question on WCCO Channel 4 last week and it's amazing that parents leave their child in a car. I'm not sure if it's bad parenting or their child is invisible to others but leaving a child in a car, even for a few seconds seems like a bad idea. Until he/she turns 18, you (the parent) are responsible for that child.

When I was working for the S'more Fun program at a recreation center in St. Paul, I would walk from the street into the parking lot and I would see a young child in there, while their parent's are dropping their 5 year old into the program. Seeing that the Como area is a "richy" neighborhood and "nothing bad happens", I can see where you might be tempted to leave your infant behind, but come on. You never know what's going to happen. My thoughts seeing that young child are "What is this parent(s) smoking" or "I wonder if the door is unlocked".

While I would not do anything (besides a speeding ticket, I have a clean criminal record), someone else would not be thinking what I'm thinking. The other person might be thinking "All right. A young child. Jackpot." You'll be making a kidnapper's day. It only takes a few seconds for someone to open or break into your vehicle. It does not matter how close your are or how short your stop will be. You are putting your child in serious danger.

As I said, I'm not a parent and not trying to “preach to the choir” by no means, but use a little common sense. I wouldn't want my young child(ren) sitting in a vehicle with no one in there, even if the doors are locked. Think twice before running into the store to grab that one item and think to yourself: "Is it worth the risk to put my child(ren) in danger for one item?" The thought of leaving my child(ren) in a vehicle while running that "one little errand" and something happens makes me want to cringe.

I will say, however, as a child care instructor, that children are ONE of the most important relationships that we'll ever have in our lifetime. I still remember like its yesterday that I was playing dodgeball, trench and basketball in the gym and playing tag on the play equipment outside. It made me feel like a kid again. Truth be told, I'm looking forward to the day I can do that stuff with my own kids.

Route 94

When I'm in a public place, like riding the bus, I make sure that I am aware of my surroundings. But then again, even if you're on foot, you need to be aware of your surroundings. You never know what could happen.

I bring this important point up because someone really wasn't paying attention and whacked someone in the face - me.

A group of people, I would say, in high school got on the Route 94 bus (an express bus from Downtown Minneapolis to Downtown St. Paul via Interstate 94) on Nicollet Mall & 6th Street. Just that group of people (I would say at least 20 of them) filled the bus, mostly with their belongings (big bags such as suitcases). I would have given up my seat for them (where the wheelchairs go) but I was carrying a suitcase myself so it wasn't logical to give up my seat for someone who has the exact same suitcase as me.

Anyways, I was heading to work at the time. I wasn't planning on getting off in Downtown St. Paul since I work near Snelling Avenue (there's a stop on Concordia Street & Snelling Avenue). As I stood up, the guy who was sitting in front of me got up to put on his backpack. In the process, we whacked me in the face. He didn't even acknowledge he hit me, even with his friends screaming "you hit him, you hit him." No apology was given. I found out later that he was getting off in downtown, not Concordia & Snelling.

Worst part was, he was blocking the isle (after he hit me), so I couldn't get off the bus. As I actually got to the front, the bus pulled out of the stop and went back on the freeway. I had to get off about 6 miles later in Downtown St. Paul.

To say the least, I wasn't a happy camper. I was showing my nonverbal communication like 4th of July fireworks. I wasn't late to work but it was a huge inconvenience for me to backtrack. I would have gotten there much quicker if I got off midway through the route. We bus people need to find the easiest route to take to save time.

I don't understand why people act they way they do. Are people these days really consumed with themselves? While I'm not the perfect person and have my "brain farts" every once in a while, why do people do this consistently? I'm able to recognize when I just made a mistake (such as not holding the door for the person behind me) How do you not notice when you hit someone in the face with your backpack? Not to mention standing up, blocking the isle, and preventing the person who needs to get off.

The one thing that DID cheer me up: The sun was shining. Oh, how I missed that. Too bad there's snow in the forecast.

Choices Choices Choices

One of the things I'm thankful for by taking this class is the opportunity to blog. It's one of the biggest things to hit the Internet in the technology age. Plus, as a journalism major, it's helped me gain valuable writing skills. I should say that it's helped me become a better writer than previously.

As I have mentioned many times before, I do some of my best thinking while I'm riding the bus. One of the biggest things I've been thinking about is the pressure of trying to figure out what I want to do after I'm done with Inver Hills. I graduate at the end of fall semester 2009. Don't worry, I'm going to complete a 4 year degree.

One of the biggest things I've been pressured on is choosing the right school. I have it pinned down to the University of Minnesota - Twin Cities (this will be my second time around with that school) and Metropolitan State University. There are several factors I've been thinking about. Location, tuition/fee costs, how big the school is (what I mean by this is how it compares to other schools). Campus size isn't a big deal to me (well it is but it doesn't affect me as much now that I have the "college experience").

Costs

One of the biggest factors in this is cost. The University of Minnesota is way much more expensive than Metro State. And I won't even live on campus. With the economy that way it is, who knows how much it will cost me by the time I'm finished with IHCC, whether I decied to go to Metro or the U.

Location

I live relatively close to Metro State's Downtown location. Less than 5 minutes from where I live in St. Paul's Battle Creek area. The only problem: I would have to travel to all three campuses for classes. The other two is located in Energy Park (on Energy Park Drive in St. Paul) and Downtown Minneapolis (connected with Minneapolis Community & Technical College). Even though bus service is good for the three sites, the thought of having to travel an hour and half for a 2 hour class isn't appealing to me.

The University has much better bus service (running every 1-15 minutes), and classes only will be on the U's East Bank Campus, if not in one building. Which is very good since I'm a bus commuter.

I work in St. Paul's Macalester Groveland Area. Both schools have good bus service. If I went to Metro, it would only be one bus, no transfers. The U would require 1 or 2 transfers, depending on the time of day.

Comparing Schools

As we all know, the University of Minnesota is one of the biggest schools in the nation. It is part of the Big 10 network (at least when it comes to sports). Metropolitan State is not a real big school, but it's known for its programs, mainly for adults who already have a full time job and looking to advance, whether it's withen the company or at another place of employment. Personally for me, schedules don't really matter. I try to avoid night classes (I function better in the morning, afternoon or online) but at Metro, I might have a difficult time doing that.

Result

Who knows? At this point I may and wait to see what the economy does, whether it gets better or worse. Then hopefully, I'll be able to make my decision. Plus I have until the end of fall semester to make a final decision.